The day we recorded our interview, I scuttled around the studio, fiddling with the software (my biggest fear is not capturing the recording), and perched my iPhone on a painfully wobbly stand. I checked and re-checked the microphones while waiting for Eva.
She sauntered down the hallway dressed casually in a black t-shirt and leggings with black sneakers and nails painted a bright red. She'd just flown in and came straight from the airport. (I've never looked this good coming off an airplane!)
It was the first time we'd met. She gave me a warm hug.
There are few topics with as much morality and judgment attached as sexuality.
Whether it's societal, religious, or cultural, the code of sexual right and wrong is instilled in us at a young age: what makes you promiscuous or abhorrent in one environment is considered prudish in another.
Thus, it's natural that we suppress parts of ourselves… yet that doesn't squelch our innate curiosity, and we explore behind closed doors.
Eva Oh, aka Mistress Eva, operates in that world, honing her craft for over 10 years as a professional dominatrix. She has 39,000 paying online subscribers and an international following of wealthy clients who spend thousands to explore those suppressed curiosities and needs.
I had to know: what experience is Eva providing that individuals feel they cannot express in their 'normal' lives? While BDSM exists within committed relationships, many seek non-judgemental environments like the one Eva provides.
Apart from the fact that she's objectively attractive, Eva's renown is her ability to create a safe space for vulnerability, sometimes to the point of absurdity. Surprisingly, when asked what she thinks are the most important skills for a dominatrix, her reply is "observation". The smallest reactions prompt her to dig a bit deeper, to discover the emotional roots of a client’s desire. She creates a space for those suppressed needs to surface, no matter how eccentric they may be.
I thought about an interview with relationship expert Esther Perel, who asserts that people commit infidelity mainly because they yearn for the version of themselves that they can be with the 'other' person that they cannot be with their committed partner.
It makes sense; if we’re not surrounded by people who make it safe for us to embrace every part of ourselves, then we’ll seek out those who do. The will to be ourselves is strong, and we'll seek out people who don't judge us to be our authentic selves.
I thought about my nervousness that day. Since leaving the corporate world, I've relished venturing far outside my comfort zone to interview people who represent worlds I've never experienced. It was a part of me that felt repressed within the confines of a stiff corporate environment. I'm drawn to the stories and lives of people like Eva.
After the conversation, I realized that Eva had detected my nervous energy when she walked in, and pre-empted any awkwardness with the warm greeting. Observation at work! :)
Whether it’s your inner nerd, a suppressed childlike wonder at the world, secret desires, or a hidden talent yearning for recognition, we all have parts that we’d feel more whole if we expressed.
Creating a space for reflection
Every Moment is a Choice is about finding our compass and living by it. So consider this a safe, non-judgmental environment.
Who do you yearn to be?
How much of that is visible to the outside world?
Here is a prompt for your journal (I encourage you to write down this answer somewhere rather than merely thinking about it):
In a world filled with judgment, take a minute to reflect on this...
Finding your sanctuary of people whom you can share your whole self with is a step toward creating that world. I now realize that I spent many years living by what was considered “right” and not what was right for me. I had to create the world around me—which means letting go of some people and inviting others in—so that I could be me.
So here’s the final question: Who are the people you'd share your whole self with? Will you?
With intention,
Erika
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